Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Clip Clip, Hooray!

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been months and months since my last busworthy confession.

What else could I be? All apologies.
 
I couldn't even remember the password to get on Blogger. But that doesn't mean the bus craziness has stopped. Life happened, repeatedly.
 
 
I could write about anything tonight. I could write about the poo poo smear I witnessed tonight on the Express bus. The perpetrator even left behind some liquid for effect.

Seriously? That's just gross.
 
I could write about the morning I got on a very early Express bus - and looked outside only to come eye to eye with a BULLET HOLE.

"Good morning, Blog Man. I am a bullet hole. Relax! It's from the outside."
 
Instead, I will entertain you with stories of people cutting their nails on the bus. Yeah. Ewww!
 
If you think about it, fingernails are pretty gross. They trap dirt and bacteria. They are weird protein, keratin, skin hybrids. Keratin is found in human nails, skin, and (UGH!) hair. These fingernails have been places on their hosts' bodies and maybe other peoples' bodies you DON'T want to think about. And really, they are akin to animal hooves. So if you think they aren't so bad, you're wrong.
 
It's happened to all bus commuters at least once. You're sitting there minding your business, and {click click click} someone starts clipping their nails. DNA is flying randomly around the coach, maybe hitting someone, maybe not. The sound of those clippers snapping down is deafening, not unlike a prison cell door slamming shut. You're trapped on the bus, in the general population, with a Clipper.
 
I should clarify: I'm not writing about the person with the bothersome hangnail that clips quickly and goes on about their commute. I'm writing about the person who thinks it's a great idea for a full trim on the bus.

Mmm hmm. Time for a trim.
(This pic came from a Google search. I don't have access to hooved animals.)
 
So, the story that comes to mind when I think of nail clipping on the bus is one from the Eastside on the 255 from The Brickyard. My friend was sitting next to a Clipper who whipped out some clippers and proceeded to groom herself into a plastic bag. Now, it was kind of her to consider others and catch her nail fragments, but it's still nasty.
 
Plus, Heaven forbid she admits to owning a plastic bag in the Pacific Northwest.
 
This woman is a repeat offender. She does all sorts of personal grooming, and at least one time, she ate an apple with her freshly manicured nails. She has been seen working at the Nordstrom Grill downtown.
 
A woman on one of my buses filed her nails mid-commute, which made me gag. I don't gag easily, but that did it. Not only was she messing with her nails, she was releasing powdery particles of her body into the atmosphere. It was a snowstorm - blizzard, even - of cells.
 
I inadvertently breathed in that woman's fingernails and all the dirt, bacteria, germs, and filth from underneath them. Yeah, yeah, they were probably clean. Clean looking. We've all seen or heard about Dateline NBC and what they find under a blacklight that isn't visible to the naked eye. I held my breath for as long as I could on that trip.
 
Camels don't have hooves. Well, they sorta do. They're more like nails.
(This pic is from a Google search. I don't have access to camels or their toes.)
 
 
Some people say the Devil has hooves, but no one has ever taken a picture of it. I think hooves are funny, so I hope the Devil doesn't have full hooves. It would be okay with me if he just has long toenails like a camel. Although I'm sure Satan would board the bus for the sole purpose of clipping his nails.
 
Welcome back, Readers! You're in for a Hell of a ride, because I'm planning to update more frequently.

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