Kendra's Manfriend/Roger's Non-Disaster

First of all, I'd like to give a shout out to Kendra (formerly known on this blog as Mary), the woman who gets on at MAIL HANDLER'S stop. She rocks. There is an elderly man who waits for the Express buses at our stop in the afternoon. He has a huge crush on Kendra and is not shy about sitting next to her so he can talk with her the entire way home. He glares at me when I'm talking with her waiting for the afternoon bus.

I told her today her husband would get a kick out of this old man who is jealous of me because he doesn't know she and I are just busfriends. He'd probably get a kick out of this blog, too.

Kendra is one of those people that attracts homeless people, talkers, and people who might take advantage of her kindness. The elderly guy has so much to say! Even though Kendra feels bad for him because he's probably lonely, she can't hear anything he's saying because he talks very quietly so she doesn't want to sit next to him and have to nod and smile for 48 minutes.

Also, last week Kendra cracked me up because she was either playing with her phone and missed her stop or missed the stop on purpose to avoid MAIL HANDLER that afternoon last week. That was a slick move either way.

Anyway, last January I regaled you all with a story of sadness: Roger's Starbucks Disaster. People are probably still cursing that douche for leaving a nearly full Grande Starbucks standing alone, mocking riders until it got kicked over. Well, actually, it was crushed.

Here's the link to refresh your memory: Roger's Starbucks Disaster

I took my seat behind the articulation this afternoon on Express 1 and we started rolling down Second Avenue. I looked forward and saw an Odwalla, a water in a plastic cup, and a Specialty's sandwich bag arranged like so:

"I'd like a BLT. And can you please add some dirt off the Seattle streets that comes off strangers' shoes? Thanks!"

I looked up to see who the buffet belonged to, and there sat Roger. He had the whole seat to himself - he had one side of the seat and his backpack had the other. I don't understand why he couldn't put all of his things on the seat. Heaven forbid he might have to hold one of the drinks, I suppose.

You might also be asking yourself, "Who would put food or drink on the floor of a public bus?" The answer is simple: Roger. Roger is a master of physics and can balance practically anything in a perfectly vertical position. In fact, he also creates his own forcefield around the balanced objects so as to protect them from nastiness on the bus floor. Like flesh eating bacteria or pinworms.

Forcefield or not, most people would think twice about putting something going into their body (or potentially onto an innocent bystander's body) on a Metro bus floor.
But Roger has no fear. Balancing a Grande Starbucks beverage the entire way home was a piece of cake in the front of the bus. He was a daredevil and had to up the ante. "Let's see anyone else balance a health drink...I'll even drink some of it to break the safety seal on the container and throw off the balance...a slightly topheavy water with a straw, and an unbalanced bag of sandwich." Keep in mind the articulation turns as the bus turns, so the floor is in almost constant motion.

This guy has to be an engineer.

He may have gotten a large soup at Specialty's. If this was the case, Roger was totally tempting the Universe and the articulation floor.

As we approached Safeco Field, the Odwalla was the first to go. It tumbled over into the folds of the Camel Toe. (Anyone who rides the bus knows this is a very dusty, funky area.) When we turned the corner to get on I-5, the bus took a hard left and the Odwalla became airborne. I giggled, because I knew this would piss him off. The drink flew to the other side of the section, then rolled back to where he could pick it up. He did look irritated -- defeated, even -- as he retrieved it.

He sat it back down, but reconsidered the gravitational pull of the turns, then placed it on the seat by his backpack. The bag and water remained underneath the seat, held down by the forces of Nature.

I wonder if Roger eats on the floor when he's at home.

I kept my eye on his dinner the whole way, and sure enough, the bag never tipped and not a drop of water spilled. At the first stop off the freeway he gathered his things and moved to the back. I tried to get a video of the entire setting falling over when we took sharp turns to no avail. They didn't tip over.

Really, the story is not as entertaining as it could have been. He didn't get off at his normal stop. In fact, he got the bus off after me. I believe he fell asleep and missed his stop. There is a small chance the bus ended up covered in corn chowder or a Waldorf chicken sandwich, but I doubt it.

Part of me wondered if he'd spotted me trying to get a video clip of his dinner falling over and was waiting for my stop to confront me when we exited the bus. (He'd probably get mad because I had no faith in his balancing skills. "You non-believer!!" he would likely shout at me.) But you know what? Part of me wanted to tell him he is a douche for leaving his garbage behind last January and for being highly unsanitary.

Questioning Reality on the 26 Express - East Greenlake

"Have I got a bus story for you!"

Those are the words I like to hear. I work with lots of people who ride buses from all around the area. Everyone who knows me knows I can't get enough bus stories and if they're good enough, they could make it onto this blog.

My co-worker Amanda told me a funny tale a while back and I believe it's busworthy. I took detailed notes from her story so I could write it out accurately.

Amanda rides the Metro 26 Express to East Greenlake. This bus is usually a peaceful one with young professionals traveling home from their office jobs. There are no talkers or people who are disruptive. One rainy afternoon on the somewhat full bus home, a lady we'll call Patricia attempted to draw the regular riders out of their shells.

Patricia got on downtown at 3rd Avenue. She was dressed nicely, clean, and looked as though she had just gotten off work. Amanda said she didn't look crazy. (Foreshadowing....) She sat in the forward facing seats in the front, alongside Amanda. A few blocks down the road, Patricia got up and asked the driver about where he stopped on Latona Avenue. The driver tells her there are a lot of stops in that neighborhood. She's unhappy with that vague answer, but accepts it and takes her seat knowing she's going in the right direction.

A few moments later she calls out to the good people on the bus, "Does this bus stop at [whatever stop] and Latona?"

No one replies. The regulars know the stops. No one wants to be "the one that responds to the loud lady."

This is the I-5 Ship Canal Bridge, which I think is near Latona Avenue. Photo by Joe Mabel from the Wikimedia Commons.

Patricia repeats her question to the crowd again, this time with more volume. Again, no one responds. There must be a culture on this bus of silence and keeping to oneself. She would have gotten an immediate answer on any of my Express buses.

"Look at you! All of you on your phones!" Patricia said loudly.

No one responded. No one even looked at her. This was a tough crowd. Everyone who takes the bus knows there is a time to engage someone in conversation and a time to ignore someone to avoid unpleasant chit chat. I'm not really sure why everyone on the 26 chose to ignore her, but they certainly did. A simple answer to her question about Latona Avenue would have sufficed. The silence really set her off.

"It's raining. I love the rain."

[Crickets.]

"Get off your phones!"

[Muffled clicks of phone keys.]

"You people need to live in the now."

[Another city block passes.]

The bus was so quiet you could have heard a Blackberry stylus pen drop.

"Cyberspace will wait!"

Next, Patricia became animated and imitated the passengers with an invisible phone to her ear. "I have a phone. Look at me," she sneered sarcastically.

No response. I think it's about a 30 minute ride to Latona, but this would prove to be a very long half hour for Patricia.

"You gotta live in the moment. Life is passing you by!"

A few more minutes pass. As the bus drove through the Seattle rain, Patricia began to question reality.

"What?! Have I been abducted by aliens?" she asked even louder, cutting the thick silence.

Her belief that she was being ignored in favor of technology was replaced with the distinct possibility that the riders were not human. It should be human nature to respond to another person when they're talking, but the Greenlakers are a different breed.

Amanda, who has given in to peer pressure and not answered the woman or given her any reason to believe she actually has not been abducted by aliens, is embarrassed by Patricia's one-sided conversation. She sat next to her focusing on whatever she was doing, also allowing life to pass her by on her ride home.

Patricia pondered reality for a few more moments, then turned to Amanda and spoke quietly.

"You have really beautiful hair."

Amanda did not respond but may have looked up and, knowing her, she blushed. She does have long, shiny hair.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to be too aggressive."

At long last, the stops along Latona Avenue came up. Patricia picked one and got off the bus. She made a point of dramatically turning around toward the totally unresponsive crowd and shouting a smart assed, "Thaaaaank yooou!"

It is important, after all, to have manners even if you are on a busfull of aliens.

My detailed notes.

A Pictorial Trip - 545 from Redmond to Seattle

I had the good fortune of riding a SoundTransit bus from Redmond to Seattle the other morning. I've written about how much nicer SoundTransit is than King County Metro, but it's really obvious when you're coming from the Eastside.

This is the very bus I took when we arrived in Seattle.

First of all, it was squeaky clean. Usually the Metro Express buses coming from Kent, Federal Way, or some other outlying area are clean but dusty or somewhat grimy. They are swept, but not polished. Usually there is a free newspaper abandoned in one of the seats. I think they polish the SoundTransit coaches.

They aren't buses, they're coaches.

Also, I was the only person on the bus who wasn't reading a book or a Kindle. I was taking these pictures. I had a large duffel bag with me. A couple of people looked up at me from their reading and smiled, thinking I was a tourist. And really, I was a tourist.

People from the Eastside are different. They smell better and they all dress business casual. I didn't see a single recovered drug addict (well, maybe a white collar junkie because they're stealthy like that), no one looked like they were visiting the free clinic, and the bus smelled like fabric softener.

Oh, and did I mention these buses come around every 10 minutes?

SoundTransit said, "We're going to cover our headrests with plastic protectors. Our riders can't get lice like the Metro riders. And some footrests would really show them up."

There are lots of stops along the 520 Freeway. This is one of them. You can't tell which one it is. I think it's the Montlake Freeway Station.

Instead of seeing planes at Boeing Field, I got to see ships on Lake Washington. I think it's Lake Washington. I've lived here for 11 years and I still get confused by the Puget Sound bodies of water. In all fairness, I've only ever been on the 520 like five times.

Coming onto I-5, there's a great view of Lake Union and the Space Needle. The Needle is all decked out with an orange top to celebrate its 50th anniversary.

I wish I could take this bus every day.

Leather Hat Satin Jacket Guy

It is a lovely day and do you know what makes it even lovelier? The guy on the morning Express bus that woke up and decided to don a satin roller skating jacket and a brown leather cowboy hat. The hat had a tassled thingy hanging from the back that looked like a Sperry Topsider shoelace. Remember those boat shoes and everyone who wore them thought they were hot shit? I never got any when I was a kid because they were too expensive. So apparently you were hot shit if you had them.

In any case, the hatted man bears a striking resemblance to Gary Ridgway, the Green River Killer. Either he's obsessive about shading himself from the sun (which is actually out today) or he has terrible taste in hats. Or maybe he's a serial killer as well.

I'm not complaining about the jacket. Truth be told, I am envious of the satin jacket.

Personal Space and Mail Handler's Mess

Since the 162 was cancelled, my once comfortable buses have become crowded. I can't whine too much about that, because most people ride crowded buses. No one likes to be packed onto a bus, rubbing elbows with strangers. Who wants to stand for 50 minutes in a skinny aisle?

I have been lucky in getting my favorite seats. However, it seems as though the people getting on after me are oblivious to how much room they're taking up. They are well into my Bubble. Maybe the afternoon 162 people were greedy with their seats and arm room. Or perhaps they're just rude.


I am not a big guy, and I don't take up a lot of room. But the people getting on and sitting next to me are crowding me right up to the window and I don't appreciate it.

I've figured out it might be a guy-space thing. It's guys who are bigger than me who board the bus, sit next to me, and then proceed to take up much more than half of their seat space. Just because I can make myself smaller doesn't mean it's comfortable for any length of time. I thought about it and have discovered a workaround: Start big. Now when I get on and get the window seat, I make sure my shoulders and knees are where they need to be. Whoever gets on next will have to adapt themselves to my predetermined space. Once the bus is moving they can expand themselves into the aisle if they need to. I feel so assertive using my new move.

Incidentally, the Seat Hogs are the ones who don't move when a seat becomes open nearby. Why would they want to move when they're so comfy on your lap?

Last week I was joined by a small, older Asian man. He took up 70% of the seat. He was much slimmer than me, so really, I should have taken up more space. I couldn't even extend my arms to comfortably text or surf the Internet during the ride. This guy had his computer bag on his lap (not a bad thing, just draw your damn elbows in a little). Atop the bag was a coffee.

Was this man's cup half empty or half full?

No biggie, right? The man fell asleep, left arm completely over my right arm. I watched that leaning cup for miles down I-5 as he dozed off, thinking to myself, "I swear to God if that Seat Hog spills his coffee on me I'm going to kill." I couldn't believe he kept it upright the whole ride. I also couldn't believe I didn't wake him up fidgeting for my phone in my pocket to take the pic.

Just today there was another man who was all up in my space because he was playing a feverish game of Solitaire on his LG phone. Schwick schwick schwick. His stupid windbreaker almost started a fire rubbing against the sweatshirt covering my arm. I was so happy to get away from him and get off at an earlier stop than usual. Which brings me to another point....

Naturally the coupons are missing from this pile of Times.

Ever see an atrocity like this on a bus? I've seen it before. You know who leaves a mess like this behind? MAIL HANDLER. Aaagh! Yes, he was riding the afternoon Express 1 the other day. He was muttering to himself as he read the paper, violently turning the pages. I looked over when it had gotten quiet and noticed he was asleep. That's the perfect time for a photo op, but there were too many people around who would have seen me. If he caught me taking a picture of him sleeping in his newspaper bed, he would have killed me.

Sometimes it's better to leave well enough alone.

While you probably have seen a newspaper mess on a bus or train, I bet you've never seen an albino peacock.

Service Delay: Naked Man in Bus Tunnel

My good friend and Eastside correspondent Nova Kane, the one who brought the goods with The SoundTransit 545 Pole Dancer, sent me a text message at 4:52 pm today. She witnessed something incredibly busworthy: A naked man in the bus tunnel and the Seattle Police Department capturing him.

Why this story isn't on any of our local news web sites, I'm not sure.

Here's a transcript of the texts:

Nova Kane: "Rad!!! Bus delay due to naked guy in tunnel!!!"
Me: "PICTURES!!!"
Me: "That's busworthy for sure."
Nova Kane: "Missed the photo op."
Me: "Maybe next time."
Nova Kane: "Apparently the guy was discarding items of clothing as he walked along. I couldn't actually tell if he was 100% naked due to his belly overhang but the cop did cover him up with a yellow dead person tarp. Rad."

Can you just imagine the freedom this guy felt? Sure, he was probably either as high as a kite or mentally unstable. This guy must have felt a freedom that you and I don't get to feel. Stripping down to his birthday suit, not caring what other people thought. Not caring he's holding up buses loaded with passengers during rush hour. He is probably in the midst of a 72-hour psych hold right now. For that few moments, though, he was as free as a bird. Just as free as a bird in the bus tunnel could be.

Maybe he was waiting for Flash Friday and just got his days mixed up. Hey! It could happen.

A directional sign within the tube between stations in downtown Seattle as seen from the 150.

I haven't had a chance to speak with Nova Kane since this all went down, so I'm not sure what part of the tunnel she was in. I'm guessing she was sitting on an Eastbound bus between Westlake and University Street Stations.

In any case, awesome reporting even without a picture or video. (We're all still snickering about the 545 Pole Dancer video anyway.)

If anyone has a bus story to share, please contact me and let me know.

The DART Ride/Goodbye 162

Friday was the last day of the 162, and those who have been following this blog (or have had any contact with me in real life) know I'm heartbroken.

Looks like the 175 and 196 have been cancelled, too. Oh no, what's it going to be like with only 99 buses going toward Federal Way?! All the afternoon buses go there.

I took the 162 in the morning on Friday to drop my son off at school. Since it's the last Express bus from Kent and the last bus toward Seattle from near the school, I had planned on catching the 183 back to Kent Station, then the 150 downtown. I ended up staying later than expected speaking with some teachers and I missed the 183.

I arrived at the 183 bus stop and found I had about 30 minutes to wait. It sucks to wait that long, but whatever. As I was standing there, a DART bus pulled up.

The DART was in front of Target today. I'm using it as an example.

DART buses are operated by King County Metro. DART stands for Dial-A-Ride Transit. These buses are random and really weird. You can't actually call and have them pick you up. Rather, they just kind of drive around unless they're on a set schedule to shuttle people around. They are akin to Metro Access buses, which are designed to pick up the disabled, especially those in wheelchairs. Access buses will actually come to your house and get you.

Imagine how excited I was to get a pic of the elusive Shopper Shuttle DART!
         

Kent also has a Shopper Shuttle route between the city center (yawn), Target, and Fred Meyer. A DART bus runs on this route and it is completely random. There is no schedule for this route. If you call Metro to find out when the Shopper Shuttle is coming they'll tell you they have no idea. Catching the Shopper Shuttle is purely luck of the draw. I swear, there must have been 20 people getting on this little bus today in front of Target.

Anyway, back to the story. I was standing at the bus stop waiting for the 183 when a DART bus pulls up. The driver stopped the bus in front of me and cranked the door open (like a school bus door). He just looked at me in calm silence. I looked at him. It was awkward.

Driver: "Get on."

Me: "Uhm, do you go to Kent Station?"

Driver: "Close to it."

Me: "I'm good. I'll just wait for the 183."

Driver: [Says nothing, cranks door closed, takes off.]

I just started laughing. Maybe the DART picks people up from that stop as part of its route, but the bus sign didn't list it. On second thought, maybe it did. The DART routes are in the 900's, but I was focused on the 183.

So I continue to stand there. I'm joined by a young man who is quite scruffy, wearing large headphones and bobbing his head. The 183 is due any minute.

Before the 183 could come, another DART bus pulls up. The driver cranks the door open and looks at me. I look at him. It was awkward.

Driver: "Get on."

Scruffy guy boards the DART.

Me: "Do you go to Kent Station?" I'm guessing so, because the guy waiting with me belonged on the 150 or maybe even the 180.

Driver: "I stop two blocks away from it."

Me: "Cool."

I got on and took a seat in the back. The bus is full of really old people, some in wheelchairs (as that small bus was equipped to accommodate four wheelchairs - impressive), all chit chatting and laughing. I felt like I was on the Bingo Bus in Reno. It was awesome! The guy in front of me was talking to another rider about the delicious Oriental food he made last night. It was so easy. The rider responded, "You're putting me on!" No, he's not putting you on. He just browned the chicken in a frying pan, then added the Oriental noodles....

I was in the seat in the second-to-last row. That's how small the DART bus is.

That bus smelled terrible, like old people, Ben Gay, and old hair products.

The DART doesn't stop at every stop, so I had to be aware of my surroundings. The Scruffy guy got off before Kent Station so maybe he really was waiting for that bus. When I saw we were getting close to Kent Station I pulled the cord -- which was right under the window so everyone could reach it. I wished I could have stayed on longer, because it was great to watch everyone having fun.

I tried to pay when I got on and when I got off, but there wasn't an ORCA card scanner or a coin machine. So apparently it's a free ride. As I departed the bus I told the driver thanks and that I'd never ridden a DART before. His reply: "Most people never do."

I walked over to Kent Station and took the 150. Nothing exciting happened on the 150 because hardly anyone was on it.

Now I know how I'll spend my mornings when I'm elderly. I'll just stand around outside until a DART bus picks me up.

In the afternoon, the Express 1 regulars were waiting for the bus. It was running late. When it did arrive, it was crowded. The 162 was right behind it, making its last afternoon run.

Taking the HOV lane did put the 162 ahead of us, but our speedy driver beat them on the straight part by the Military Road exit on I-5.

As we passed it on I-5, two of my friends (the Security Guard and one of the Nice Ladies) were waving at me from the other bus. I'm sorry I couldn't get a picture of that!

Zombies Attack the Seattle Light Rail

Edit: I'm getting a ton of hits for "zombie" on Google. New readers, take a look around. If you like what you see, please come back for more. I promise to keep you informed of any zombie transportation fun I hear of. Thanks!

I've been waiting to write the Seattle Light Rail Zombies Attack post for a good reason. That turned out to be "good reasons."

If you've been following the news lately, you're probably familiar with the guy in Florida who was caught chewing another man's face off. Or the guy in Canada who cut people up and sent body parts in the mail to Canada's Conservative HQ -- he also supposedly cannibalized the corpses. In Baltimore just last week a younger guy was accused of killing his roommate and eating his heart and parts of his brain. And a homeless woman in L.A. snatched a four month old kid from a stroller and tried to eat the kid's arm. All of these people are being called "zombies."

I'm not sure what's going on with freaks wanting to eat people. Pretend zombies are a real kick and doing bath salts makes people do crazy things, but all of this people-eating leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Hah.

In any case, I've been waiting to write the post about zombies until the craziness in the news died down.

[No pun intended that time.]

Over Memorial Day weekend, (pretend) zombies attacked the Seattle area. Crypticon, a convention of horror enthusiasts, was going on at a hotel near SeaTac Airport. Attendees were given free admission on Friday if they were dressed as a zombie and had a Light Rail ticket stub.

The Seattle Zombies Club arranged a meeting spot at Westlake Station, where hundreds of zombies boarded the Light Rail right about evening commute time. Zombies were encouraged to find parking where they could and bus it to Westlake Station. They all converged on the platform, where they proceeded to be bloody, nibble on false body parts, and take down volunteers who were dressed like the living. That's right. Victims were provided by the organizers.

According to the Seattle Zombies web site, rules for the zombies included: no touching or attacking anyone, no weapons, no screaming on the train, and stand behind the yellow line at the station platforms. Zombies were encouraged to board the Light Rail at other stations which would "further create the atmosphere of a zombie apocalypse." Zombie cleaners were also requested so they could clean blood/gore from the windows when they reached the SeaTac Station.

Here are some pictures of the zombie horde from Seattle Weekly:

No lie - The one in the middle scratching at the glass looks just like Bible Girl from my earlier posts. After she's eaten a bowl of Chef Boyardee lunch.

Zombies also invaded the ferry to downtown, which must have been truly terrifying because I can't find a single picture of that experience to share.

Apparently there was a zombie wedding over the weekend on the Central Light Rail. I heard there was another union of the undead at the EMP. I'm not sure if they were the same event but either way, I'm sure it got interesting when the officiant reading the vows got to the "'til death do us part" line.

I saw last week that SoundTransit had issued a service alert warning riders of zombies on the Light Rail, but of course it's gone from their web site when I want to quote it.

I know what I'll be doing next year on Memorial Day Friday. I might have to do a real time blog for the next zombie rush.